Just a few weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. It’s a big deal for us because we both come from divorced families that only made it 15 years ago. So it’s exciting to watch how our relationship has grown and changed over the years. But I also vividly remember those early years when we were first married. We struggled to figure out life together because we had very little real life examples of what that looked like in a healthy way. That’s not a dig at our families. It’s just a fact. Neither of us was raised in a household that modeled a healthy marriage.
And so a lot of things we’ve had to figure out for ourselves – like managing money. Managing money and your marriage can be hard, then throw kids in the mix, and now you’re sleep deprived on top of it. In our 14 years of marriage, we’ve made many mistakes and had many successes.
And if you’re not yet married but engaged, I highly recommend reading this post here that goes into the five questions to ask before getting married.
We’ve:
- Kept separate accounts for the first two years of our marriage.
- We never talked about money.
- We fought about money.
- We went negative in our bank account more than we could count.
- Ended up deep in debt.
- Paid off just over $55,000 in consumer debt in two years.
- Paid off our house in 2019 in our early thirties.
- Learned how to manage and stick to a budget together.
All of the above was hard to walk through. But through a little bit of grit and a whole lot of commitment, we walked through the hard together.
1. Let go of the 50/50 marriage
I know this is controversial, but it’s essential to managing money well together. Ditch the 50/50 marriage idea. Your marriage will never be a true 50/50 partnership. This isn’t a business deal. It’s a lifelong commitment, and it won’t look like an even split, no matter how hard you try. Feeling like you have to contribute equally in your marriage or worse, watching to make sure that your spouse contributes what you believe to be equally in your marriage will eventually lead to scorekeeping and exhaustion. Instead, let go of the equal mentality. I’m not suggesting that you let your spouse contribute nothing to the marriage and that you do everything. But I am suggesting that you let go of the record-keeping.
Believe it or not, this makes managing money in your marriage significantly easier. You’ll stop focusing on what’s yours and what’s theirs and start becoming a team. It will all become “our” money instead of yours and mine. This will eventually lead to honest discussions on goals and building the life the two of you have dreamed about together.
2. Dream together.
It’s so much fun to dream alongside your lifelong partner. Think about the life you two can build and the things you both want to achieve. It’s amazing to think that you get to support them in their individual pursuits, and they get to hold you accountable to yours. And in between all that, y’all get to go after things together. It’s an incredible feeling!
Want to go on fun vacations together? Do you or your spouse want to become a stay-at-home parent? Do you or your spouse want to make a major career change? Save to buy land to build a house one day? Understanding your short-term and long-term goals will make cutting out expenses that do not contribute to those goals easier. Thus – dreaming together and living life together helps you two not argue about the schematics of making it happen. It’s a lot easier to avoid not arguing about money when you two are working towards the same goals.
3. Respect each other.
You do not have to agree with your spouse. Yep. It’s true. You don’t. And I truly wish someone had told me that when Pat and I were first married. You and your spouse may be spending a lifetime together, but you are still two different people who, chances are, enjoy different things. Do I think it’s stupid that my husband spends money on fishing gear and LOVES to go fishing? Absolutely. I hate fishing. Love camping and boating but fishing? Oh, heck naw.
But you know what my husband thinks is stupid to spend money on? Books. He’s only ever read two books in his nearly four decades of life- American Sniper and my book. Well, he technically didn’t read them. He listened to them. The point is, he could care less about reading. But me? I’d spend all our money on books if I could. It’s my dream to have a library to rival that of the Beast’s library in Beauty and the Beast.
And chances are you and your spouse value different things. You may enjoy spending money on getting your nails done, but that seems weird to your husband. And he may enjoy spending money on a fantasy football league that you find dumb. But that’s okay because you and your spouse do not have to agree on everything. Instead, make sure that each of you has your own spending money that you can spend however you wish. This needs to be an amount that is budgeted for from every paycheck. It’s money that the other can spend willy-nilly; when it’s gone, it’s gone until the next payday.
4. Stop the blame game.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, makes mistakes. Pointing the finger and playing the blame game with your spouse does no one any good. Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated when they make a mistake. Think about it. Do you want your spouse to scream and yell at you and blame you for everything going wrong? Of course not. No one wants to feel belittled and stupid for making a mistake. So let’s respect each other as human beings who are going to make mistakes. Because chances are you’re going to make a mistake or two, too.
So if your spouse goes over budget due to careless overspending, instead of screaming and yelling, go to them and ask them for help in remedying the situation. Remove emotion from the conversation and stay focused on solutions, not the problem.
5. Remember, this takes time.
Here’s the deal. This will take time. Getting on the same page financially and figuring out how to manage money as a married couple takes time. It’s not going to happen overnight. You’re going to have to work at it. And this doesn’t mean a money fight will never happen again. It just means that the more you put these things into practice, the less likely the fights are to happen, and when they do, they won’t be as intense. You’re in this for the long haul. Marriage is for life and you two can and will build an amazing life together. It won’t be easier but it’s totally doable. You’ve got this.
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